Rob's rants

Thoughts tonight

2008-03-18T09:25:17Z

Best stream of consciousness read I've had in a LONG time.

Let me start by saying I've been really sick over the weekend. I've had things coming out of me in ways and places that can only be described as wrong and unnatural.

School isn't going well. I take that back, Physics isn't going on. Calculus is going "ok" and C is a blast. ~~Physics is kicking my ass~~... I'm kicking my own ass by being lazy and not getting homework done or doing the reading. I've still got a slim chance of passing but it is slim and not likely to come true. In fact, I'm pretty sure at this point I'm fucked. I'm kind of in a bit of self loathing right now. I'm sad I'm going to disappoint my family... again. I can't believe I'm still such a royal fuck up.

I've lost 14lbs on a diet I've been trying. I've been e-mailing my dad everyday with how many calories I've had and he does the same. Right now I'm sticking to under 1500 (or under 400 while I've been sick) and he's been sticking to under 2000 (even though he is trying to stick to under 1500).

I tried to stop biting my nails but it backfired on me. Instead of biting them less, thinking about not biting them just caused me to bite them more than normal (in fact, I'm biting them as I type this out). Now all my fingers are sore and bleeding because the nail has been pushed back so far. It really kind of sucks when you type all day.

Single, still. Feeling pathetic about it as always. I never understand why I feel bad about it though. It's as if being single is bad. Like my entire existence is meaningless without some kind of sexual relationship with someone. Is it myself, our culture, or nature that makes me feel this way? It's not my fault I'm single. I'm not unattractive, I'm over weight but I'm not obese, I'm a very like-able guy, but somehow I keep saying I'm single because of those things and then feel bad for myself.

I need more self discipline (and live journal needs better spell checking).

I'm not poor! :D

I should give up alcohol.

I want to master an instrument but can't until line 30 happens and possibly line 34 (line numbers may vary).

I find ways to be jealous of everyone around me and I believe it will one day drive me to madness.

I think that's all for now. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. I feel better.

Pidgin hates me (and you)

2008-03-18T01:12:50Z

If you like to IM as much as I do than you know how important a good IM client can be. For a long time I used GAIM which then became Pidgin. Ever since then the developers of Pidgin have repeatedly pissed me off by removing things I liked and adding things that were stupid in some kind of benevolent "I know better than my users" way. If you are unhappy with Pidgin please go HERE.

Hurt feelings

2007-11-20T11:39:22Z

I was really surprised tonight at around midnight when I got a very, very angry IM from Zack, a friend a Kayla. He yelled at me for some things that only certain people know about and would have had to have told him. I'm really hurt that these certain people wouldn't bring this up to me and would rather run me down to these two new friends. The things that were said were so bad Zack messaged me on myspace and IMed me and told me to stay the hell away from Kayla. I have no idea what kind of damage has been done to my reputation. I explained things to Zack and he seems to have calm down but I have no way of knowing what Kayla thinks of me. I tried to call these certain people but they won't return my calls, ims, nor text messages. What did I do to deserve their animosity? Was it something building up over a long time? I don't know. The damage is done, feelings are hurt, and friendships are shattered. I will be attempted to talk to these three certain people, try to work it out, but they apparently don't want it that way.

In a bit happier news, I've almost learned "Hey There Delilah" by the Plain White T's. It is a fun little song to play and really romantic.

Dance dance

2007-11-18T10:48:23Z

This had been a pretty shitty week. I got in an ass load of trouble at work, my mom has scleoderma, and a few other things have really taxed on me. I've been getting shafted on sleep from work and social functions not agreeing on who gets me in the morning and who gets me at night.

Tonight was pretty sweet though. I went to Eclipse with a bunch of my friends and two guys from work. The two guys from work loved it and one said he was going to come back next week and even bring a date! I danced up a freaking storm. I felt a little goofy at times but for the most part I just shut out the world and let the music take over.

The night would have went a lot better if it hasn't been for two bad things that happened. One of them I'm not sure I want to say just yet and the other is my car got a flat tire. On the way to the club I noticed my tire was really low. Turns out there is a bad leak. Not bad enough I was going to get stranded but fast enough to deflate the tired in about six to eight hours. Got it home and went to put the spare on and my jack is missing. I borrowed Andrew's and everything was cool. I'll call work tomorrow and tell them I can't come because I have to go get my tired fixed.

Btw, my mom is fine. I found out she is at no risk for anything fatal as of now. We do have to keep an eye on it to make sure that it doesn't. She has been having problems with her joints and fingers but the doctors have her on some medicine to treat that aspect of the disease.

Week wrap up

2007-10-28T10:13:48Z

This has been a very interesting week. It started out with me feeling a bit under the weather and a bit like I was in a rut. I some how managed to pull out and finish the week feeling awesome!

Work has been iffy lately. They named the new DCI and I'm not too pleased with the results. At least I get to stay in geek squad till the end of the year. That is cool. Hopefully by then something will come up that will anchor my position.

My friend K asked me to help her write a comic book. That has been a blast! We got some great ideas between me, her, and Jon. I am really excited about this project. She also mention that we might be able to work on my little pet project I've been working on. That definitely helped me get out of the rut.

I went to Eclipse with a bunch of my friend to celebrate Sarah French and Aaron's birthdays. That was a blast! Got to see some old friends and made a few new ones! It was a great time. Aaron got so drunk! It felt good to be the one taking care of instead of being taken care of. I hope to have a repeat next Saturday.

Kaleido Pain...

2007-10-18T11:07:23Z

I haven't been sleeping well. I plan to pull an all nighter to tonight to try to correct the problem. I work in the morning so it will be easy for me to do. Well, at least it'll be easier than if I had to close.

TF2. Been playing a lot of TF2. I'm doing really well as an engineer, a sniper, and as a pyro. I think I've put maybe 25 hours into the game since I got it. It's been a lot of fun.

I started watching Kaleido Star. I was finally able to get it. I ended up going through Voeh.com. I have to say it is a very annoying service. It took me a long time to get it working. That compounded with the issues I had with XP and duel booting. Also Kaleido Star is cool anime but all I could find was the English dubbed version. It even has the English TV motivational 80's intro full of morals and crap. I just try to ignore it. The dubbed also has really terrible voice acting. Oh well, I'll cope.

I just watched an episode dubbed in Portuguese and subbed in English... I'll never complain about the English version again.

Online Videos by Veoh.com

Gankutsuou

2007-10-12T09:22:40Z

I've been watching Gankutsuou tonight. It is a futuristic anime based on the Count of Monte-Cristo. It is very good.

I looked in the mirror tonight and I noticed something. I have aged. I have aged a lot. Even though the face in the mirror is mine I almost didn't recognize it. My face has changed a lot since I was 18. My skin is a lot more textured. I have more hair on my chin. There is a bit of gray in my side burns. Then it comes to me. I finally see it. The thing everyone has told me since I was a boy. I look just like my father. The face staring back at me in the mirror was the face of my father from when I was just old enough to remember it. Even the way I smile is the same.

I went out with friends from work tonight. We ate wings and drank beer and laughed at stories of rude customers getting what they deserved. As we sat laughing and drinking he proclaimed his intents. I looked at him and told him right out mine were the same. He had no idea. He challenged me to see who would reach the goal first. I accepted even though I knew the outcome. I have already lost to him once before and I don't think this time will be any different. I am no longer looking forward to this weekend.

Death note

2007-10-11T09:14:59Z

I just finished Death Note. I have to say the series as a whole was very good. It had some slow parts and even a few episodes that caused me to walk away from it for a few days. For now its off to bed.

Sitting in my dark room and watching the credits roll by of the last episode of Death Note I am reminded of my early college days. I remember staying up all night and watching anime and then posting in my journal. Posting about my feelings, the animes I was watching, the events of the day, your normal journal stuff. I started thinking about all the people in my life then. I miss most of them. I look back on those times and I smile. Looking back I remember the good times as well as the bad. I laugh as I think of the two most memorable moments and how they happened so close to each other. I remember the night me and Crissy ran around campus and talked about ghosts and how she confessed later it was that night she fell in love with me. I also remember a lan party in March in that same place where she was now telling me she didn't want anything to do with me anymore, lied to me and broke my heart. It was fitting that it all ended right there, right were it started.

Winter is coming. I think on the night of the first real hard cold, cold enough for a jacket, I'll put on my leather jacket and gloves and walk out to that spot we sat and talked for hours and try to remember the good times and forget about the bad.

Buy More

2007-10-10T09:01:17Z

So things at work aren't going to great but they might be on the up swing. Keith is leaving us and his position is being fought over by some of the Geek Squad full timers. If one of them gets it then I'm going to move into their spot. If not full time in media won't be so bad. I dropped off my form to move to Media as a full timer yesterday. Hopefully everything works out with it. I really want to be full time. I would be sad to see Geek Squad go bye bye but at least I'll be making $1600 a month. That would help me out a lot. Things have been tight working anywhere from 16 to 30 hours a week. Having a nice 32 to 40 hours a week would kick much ass.

Been watching that new show Chuck. I have to say it is something else. I really enjoy it. The character Chuck reminds me of myself a bit. I don't have a crazy government secrets computer stuck in my brain nor a hot CIA agent posing as my girl friend but I do see some other similarities. :)\

Also, I'm going to TSI with old friends and maybe some new ones. :)

Fucked up and fired

2007-09-25T12:44:13Z

I got this awesome job at this company named Peak 10. They run datacenters. I was going to be working for $12 an hour, 32 hours a week. I was going to get medical benefits and other nice things. I was going to get a regular schedule. I'd be able to have time to work out, hang out with my friends, go to school, have a normal life. I bragged to my friends and family about how awesome the job was. I told my coworkers I got this great offer, that I was leaving, and oh I was so happy about it. First day on the job comes and I over sleep. I get there really late. They fire me practically on the spot. Now I have to suck it up and explain to everyone that I'm not getting that awesome job anymore, that I fucked it up and got fired. I feel sick to my stomach and I'm on the verge of tears. I just want to crawl under a rock and die.

Beer makes it better

2007-09-08T03:17:01Z

Well, got back from Chris's birthday bash and I have to say I feel a lot better. Got to see a lot of friends, hang out, drink so beer. My mood seems to be much better. I think it was the thought of working 15 hours tomorrow that had me all bummed out.

Pain beams

2007-09-08T00:01:34Z

I went to visit my parents. That was fun. Talked about various things in my life. They gave me some supplies and some boiled peanuts. Dad also gave me some more of that diet medicine I've been taking. It seems to be working, at least I'm seeing the side effects. Hopefully I can lose some weight. I've been trying to watch what I eat but it's really hard. Bad food is cheap and good food is expensive. That and I eat out all the time because I don't know how to cook. We'll see.

I got home from eating with Rob to find my Matt Pritchard sitting in my living room. That was very nice. We hung out and talked till around 6 am. Got up this morning and didn't feel great. I was going to go get a hair cut but I just sat around doing laundry instead. Tried to play some Smash with Chris and Matt but that didn't end well. I got upset and left the room. I've been really emo today. I don't know why, but I've felt really depressed the last day or so. Hopefully that will pass too.

Fat-pigs

2007-09-04T08:21:22Z

I've been reading some very interesting articles that have come by way by Mr Chas. I share them now with you.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/31049
http://www.paulgraham.com/articles.html
http://www.armadilloaerospace.com/n.x/Armadillo/Home

I'm thinking about picking up Python again. Two languages I really want to learn are Python and Portuguese. Mr Chas also peeked my interest in Lua, a language developed by Brazilians. I also need to play more guitar. Oh oh, and get laid. Need money. Chris mentioned his parents wanted some computer help. Not sure what they wanted help with but I gladly take donations for my services. ^.^

Pay parents - $295
Phone - $65
Electric - $??
Gym - $35
Food - $100
Game - $15

Expected next paycheck 8/7/07: $550

Wooo, tight but doable. Coming up I need to pay insurance, $65, and put money towards my credit card, $600.

Melt some faces!

2007-08-29T05:46:33Z

You've no where to hide,
no where to run.
Your village will burn
like the heart of the sun!

I've been playing a Warlock in WoW and thanks to this video I think it has become my favorite class. The comic this video comes from is Looking for Group. The Warlock featured is Richard; Chief Warlock of the Brothers of Darkness, Lord of the Thirteen Hells, Master of the Bones, Emperor of the Black, Lord of the Undead, and mayor of a little village up the coast which he describes as "quite scenic in spring". After reading many of the comics I was inspired to roll a Warlock. This video just cements it.

Missed Mail

2007-08-28T03:20:31Z

So I had a certified letter sent to me from someone. I don't know who and I couldn't receive it. Hopefully they will resend it because whatever it is it might have been important and I'm going to go bonkers until I see it.

I found out I'm not going to make rent this month. It really sucks. I got two weeks in a row of bad, low hour weeks so my paycheck was barely over $300. Rent is $310 and I had no other money saved up. I also have to pay my first month's car insurance and pay the fees for the title on my car. This sucks. I'm going to have to ask my parents for a loan.

I got an interview at a company called "Peek10". My friend Adam Walters works there and told me they had an opening and that I should go for it. I'm very glad for the opportunity to get an even better job. A job that'll have more reliable hours. I also here they have lots of room to move up. Geek Squad has been a lot of fun and an experience I will not soon forget... but I have to take care of myself and pay bills and it after being teased with a full time spot for so long I've got to just move on.

I went to Eclipse this last Saturday. That was a lot of fun! My old from Lonny was there. My friend Steve (Scorched), whom I haven't seen in quite a while, was also there. Judy, Justin, and the regular crew were there as well. I also meet this interesting new girl named Nicci, or "nicag" as my phone calls her.

Atlanta and illness

2007-08-14T14:22:35Z

I just got back from Atlanta not too long ago. I got to see my relatives in Valdosta as well as hang out with my friends Chas and Martha in Atlanta. The weekend was full of fun outings and leveling in WoW. Yes, I started playing WoW again. My roomies play it and I decided it would be fun to play with them and set up a PVP Arena team. Atlanta was a lot of fun though. Got to eat at a few new restaurants and see a new city. Me and Chas had many very engaging conversations that didn't involve video games. That was a nice change of pace. Not that I don't like talking about games but I lack someone to talk about hackery in Jacksonville.

I rolled into Jacksonville around 3am. Got settled and went to bed around 4am. I was supposed to get up and go to work around 10am but I ended up waking in the middle of the night feeling like I was on fire and freezing to death and about to puke. I called out sick and I haven't been able to sleep since then. Hopefully that'll change soon. Figured I'd take the opportunity to update my journal.

About Time

2007-08-07T07:57:13Z

Not much to post about lately. Still trying to get into a good diet and exercise routine. I've also been looking into purchasing a new car. I'm thinking about getting a Hyundai Tiburon SE. I might be able to snag one around $13k. I'm trying to get a $3k trade in for my Saturn and save up another $2k and make that a down payment. I'm pretty sure I can get an $8k loan for not so bad. I still need to check insurance for it though. That might be a deal killer.

I've been struggling with money as of late. I've been over spending. I'm not in trouble to the point I can't pay rent, it is just a bit uncomfortable and my finger tips are suffering. AWA is coming up and I want to make a costume for it but that is looking more grim by the day. Maybe I'll still get it done. I've at least requested off work that weekend.

I'm heading to Atlanta this weekend to visit Chas. We are going to work on computers and study to try to get some certifications. I heard they put Vista on the A+ test. That worries me a bit but I'm sure it'll be fine.

Not much emo to report. Just been a bit apathetic.

Stream of conciousness

2007-07-18T06:58:04Z

Days come and go. Work is sucking more and more each day. I'm getting better at the job, new people come and I train them. I move further up the ladder. I want to be full time but I also want to go to school. I've been having a lot of nightmares lately about the future. I'm been really anxious and having problems sleeping. I find myself worried and on the verge of a break down at time. I feel alone a lot. I think about Crissy from time to time still. I wonder if I'll ever have what we had ever again. I try to tell myself I will but I have a hard time believing it. I don't go out as much as I used to. I'm really busy and I'm not really sure where I'd met a new girl. I have bills to pay, money I owe, things I want to purchase. I'm still over weight and very worried about my health. I got to the gym today with Andrew. It felt really good to get back. It calmed me a little. We saw this really gorgeous girl there. I couldn't stop thinking about how pretty she was and how I had no chance of ever being with her or anyone that looked like that. Everyone is shallow to some degree, I know I am. I wouldn't date me if I was a chick. I feel hopeless at times, a lot more than I used to. I'm scared. I'm really scared. I don't want to be alone and stuck working for less than $15 an hour. I know that if I get sick I'll be in debit for the next ten years because I don't have health insurance. I'm scared to go to the beach because I don't want to lose my only pair of contacts I have until I get health coverage. My glasses are old and I can't drive with them. If I lose these I'm fucked. Fucked... man I miss sex. I haven't had it in so long I've almost forgotten what its like. Sex is cool and all but I'd much rather have a girl friend that loved me and was stable. School, I'm so afraid I'm going to flunk out and never get my degree. Its been the only consistent goal I've ever had. I'm scared I'm a born failure. I'm so undisciplined and I can't control myself. Is this so defect in my brain? I see myself doing shit and I can't stop it. I try. Why? I've been playing a lot of FFXI lately. Its been fun. Going to start a new D&D game with my room mates and a coworker. I'm excited about it. These games seem to help take my mind off all my troubles. Blah. /endrant

Blarg

2007-06-27T17:57:03Z

Blarg I'm bored. Grr.

fallensoul792 @ 2007-06-26T01:15:00

2007-06-26T05:19:25Z

I used to be really big into AMVs and stuff but not so much these days. Watching AMVs always makes me a bit nostalgic. I remember when I was 18 sitting in the hub at 3am watching the latests posts from animemusicvideos.com. Sitting there thinking about life and love and all the things we experience that put together our outlook. I wish I was 18 again sitting there on that cold winter night. Sometimes I go back and read journal posts from that time and think about how silly I was, how happiness was just a week or so around the corner. Then I think about the reality of now and I can't even remember what that happiness felt like, just some fuzzy memory of a time that seems like something I read in a history book. Life is so strange. It still bothers me so much that I hate that person when at one time my every thought was of them. I used to long to see their face and now I loathe even the memories I have of it. Bah, I'm being emo.

Day off blues

2007-06-25T18:04:15Z

I love having a day off now and again. Though, I always have a problem finding things to do. Which is strange because there is a ton of stuff I could be doing. I guess I should rephrase that to finding things I want to do. I could play DMC3, FFXI, read one of the many novels I have in queue, clean and re-wax my board, I could clean the apartment, go shopping, work out, hang posters, or secure my sub woofer. I also could build things in SL. I'm hungry so right now I need to eat but I'm having a similar issue with food, what and where. Day off blues.

Oh! I could always run RJ45 cables through the roof, drill holes in the walls to mount the cables, set up the network, get the new router we need, and build the 2 TB file server. Wait, no. That is NOT what I'm doing today.

Vampires in Russia are weird

2007-06-17T14:09:34Z

I went to go see Day Watch with Eileen last night. It was... interesting. I didn't see the first movie, night watch, so I was pretty lost. Eileen had a good time and the movie was enjoyable so overall everything was good. We ate at Sushi House before the movie. That was okay. The service was kind of crappy but the food was good and the company better.

It is father's day. After work I'm more than likely going to visit my mom and dad. I got my dad a $25 gift card from Home Depot. I hope he likes it. I think I'll leave a tad early for work this morning and get him a card or something.

Anyways, I hope work isn't busy. I'm tired. Couldn't sleep last night even though I was really tired. I must have laid in bed for at least an hour before I finally passed out. I only got about five hours of sleep. Blah.

Devil May Kick My Ass!

2007-06-12T06:27:40Z

Today was very frustrating. I ended up having to barrow money from my mother because the bank still hasn't gotten my card to me. That pisses me off so badly. Also had to barrow money from Eileen just to get to my mom's house. I hate borrowing money.

Andrew purchased Devil May Cry 3 today. We tried playing through it for the past few hours and we still haven't passed the mission 3 (at least I think it is 3). We are fighting this big three headed dog boss and it is spanking us silly.

Ate loop with Andrew. Mom gave me some pot pies and some cup cakes. She also feed me a microwave sandwich thing... it was not so good. She also gave me vegetable beef soup. I love vegetable beef soup. Yummy.

Hopefully my card will be in tomorrow.

fallensoul792 @ 2007-06-08T02:26:00

2007-06-08T06:28:07Z

Got more sound equipment in my car, 10" Alpine Type-E 250W RMS and an Alpine V-Line mono amp running at 220W RMS. Chris Godwin helped me pick it out and Dustin helped me install it (installed it all himself, lol). I'm very happy with the performance. Didn't spend a lot on it either. Oh, I also got a credit card. We'll see how that goes.

Catch Up

2007-06-08T06:23:52Z

June 1st, 2007:

Today was an interesting day to say the least. It all started with my parents yelling and screaming at 7 am. When they finished yelling at each other my dad started yelling about his good for nothing son. I tried to go back to sleep but it was no use. I laid in bed and listened for about an hour until my alarm went off. Got up, showered, and started packing.

We go each lunch at Wasabi. That went well, surprisingly. The problems started when we got to the complex. When we got there they refused to park the van. I had told them time and time again that it wouldn’t be a set schedule, that it would be fly by the seat kind of thing, but did they listen? Sonoma tells me I need everyone here to sign the lease, and so I get a few of them, we sign, do the inspection, and then move my stuff in.

My dad is in some big hurry so he is rushing this thing and getting under my skin. My mom starts trying to tell me how to decorate my room, where to put my desk mostly. I tell her, look I got it I’ll figure it out let’s just move stuff inside first. No, she won’t have it, it has to be just the way she wants it. I start arguing with her and it blows up into this big thing.

Get Rob and move more stuff from my house and then have friends come over and inspect the place. At that point things started to look up except for a certain something /**/ Over all it was a really kind of crappy day. It ended with me and Andrew going to Wal-Mart and buying house stuffs.

June 2nd, 2007:

My first night in the new apartment was nice. I got plenty of rest, had a good shower (minus the shampoo, ick) and got off to work. Work was nice. We had a good day, made all the budgets and stuff. Some crazy lady yelled at Enrique, called him a racist and all this crazy nonsense. I ate lunch at Moe’s and then I had diner at Subway. Alan Kirby met me for diner and we have a nice little chat over subs. I didn’t end up leaving work till 11:30 pm but it didn’t bother me none. Eileen canceled on me so I had no place to be. I ended this week with 38 and ½ hours. /**/ Reiken from my SL military group told me he liked me and wanted to be my boyfriend. /**/ I was thinking about Crissy again today. Seeing those pictures yesterday really compounded everything I’ve been experiencing lately. I feel very empty inside and I think it is a shame. I am finally out of my own, I have achieved my dream at long last and yet…

June 3rd, 2007:

Today was a good day. Work went well, the big sell didn’t happen like we thought it would. No one showed up to buy the laptops that were on sell. It surprised a lot of people.

After work I hung out with Andrew helping him move stuff over to the new place. We talked about a few ideas on how to decorate the living room and dining area. We went to Wal-Mart and did some more shopping. I got a dry erase board and put it up on my door. I drew a few little pictures on it and wrote “Robert is: HOME =D”. I really feel like this is my home. For the first time in a very long time it feels like I have a home.

June 4th, 2007:

My phone wouldn’t stop ringing this morning. Turns out Robert from work called six times and left six matching voice messages. They were bored and I was “penciled in” from 9:30 am till 5:30 pm. I ended up getting to work at around 1:30 pm. Didn’t do much till later when we got slammed. I ended up leaving early, or at least trying to no thanks to Alan (prick), to rush home (ah, I just called it home, yay) to relieve Andrew of his Comcast watch.

The Comcast guys were really nice and they rewired our entire cable system in the walls and stuff for free. Now we have internet and digital cable. I missed the internet.

Also, this morning before I went to work I stopped in at the leasing office and put in my complaints and maintenance requests. They came out same day and fixed almost everything, though they made a big mess in my room. I would complain but the maintenance guy is my next door neighbor and he seems like a really nice guy.

I finished unpacking for the most part. I went and organized a bunch of stuff I had in the last tote. Didn’t keep a lot of crap that was in it, most will go back to my mom’s place. Found a bunch of old photos of my senior year and stuff. Stuff would include pictures and drawings from Crissy. I still miss those times but I am happy with the present. I pray that what ever made her act so reckless heals and she returns to that cute, happy girl I knew when I was 18 and not the sad, bitter cunt she is today.