Monday, February 18th, 2008
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5:01 am - Thoughts tonight
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Best stream of consciousness read I've had in a LONG time.
Let me start by saying I've been really sick over the weekend. I've had things coming out of me in ways and places that can only be described as wrong and unnatural.
School isn't going well. I take that back, Physics isn't going on. Calculus is going "ok" and C is a blast. Physics is kicking my ass... I'm kicking my own ass by being lazy and not getting homework done or doing the reading. I've still got a slim chance of passing but it is slim and not likely to come true. In fact, I'm pretty sure at this point I'm fucked. I'm kind of in a bit of self loathing right now. I'm sad I'm going to disappoint my family... again. I can't believe I'm still such a royal fuck up.
I've lost 14lbs on a diet I've been trying. I've been e-mailing my dad everyday with how many calories I've had and he does the same. Right now I'm sticking to under 1500 (or under 400 while I've been sick) and he's been sticking to under 2000 (even though he is trying to stick to under 1500).
I tried to stop biting my nails but it backfired on me. Instead of biting them less, thinking about not biting them just caused me to bite them more than normal (in fact, I'm biting them as I type this out). Now all my fingers are sore and bleeding because the nail has been pushed back so far. It really kind of sucks when you type all day.
Single, still. Feeling pathetic about it as always. I never understand why I feel bad about it though. It's as if being single is bad. Like my entire existence is meaningless without some kind of sexual relationship with someone. Is it myself, our culture, or nature that makes me feel this way? It's not my fault I'm single. I'm not unattractive, I'm over weight but I'm not obese, I'm a very like-able guy, but somehow I keep saying I'm single because of those things and then feel bad for myself.
I need more self discipline (and live journal needs better spell checking).
I'm not poor! :D
I should give up alcohol.
I want to master an instrument but can't until line 30 happens and possibly line 34 (line numbers may vary).
I find ways to be jealous of everyone around me and I believe it will one day drive me to madness.
I think that's all for now. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. I feel better.
current mood:  guilty
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Sunday, February 17th, 2008
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9:08 pm - Pidgin hates me (and you)
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If you like to IM as much as I do than you know how important a good IM client can be. For a long time I used GAIM which then became Pidgin. Ever since then the developers of Pidgin have repeatedly pissed me off by removing things I liked and adding things that were stupid in some kind of benevolent "I know better than my users" way. If you are unhappy with Pidgin please go HERE.
current mood:  aggravated
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Tuesday, November 20th, 2007
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6:32 am - Hurt feelings
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I was really surprised tonight at around midnight when I got a very, very angry IM from Zack, a friend a Kayla. He yelled at me for some things that only certain people know about and would have had to have told him. I'm really hurt that these certain people wouldn't bring this up to me and would rather run me down to these two new friends. The things that were said were so bad Zack messaged me on myspace and IMed me and told me to stay the hell away from Kayla. I have no idea what kind of damage has been done to my reputation. I explained things to Zack and he seems to have calm down but I have no way of knowing what Kayla thinks of me. I tried to call these certain people but they won't return my calls, ims, nor text messages. What did I do to deserve their animosity? Was it something building up over a long time? I don't know. The damage is done, feelings are hurt, and friendships are shattered. I will be attempted to talk to these three certain people, try to work it out, but they apparently don't want it that way.
In a bit happier news, I've almost learned "Hey There Delilah" by the Plain White T's. It is a fun little song to play and really romantic.
current mood:  crushed
current music: Plain White T's - Hey There Delilah
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Sunday, November 18th, 2007
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5:39 am - Dance dance
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This had been a pretty shitty week. I got in an ass load of trouble at work, my mom has scleoderma, and a few other things have really taxed on me. I've been getting shafted on sleep from work and social functions not agreeing on who gets me in the morning and who gets me at night.
Tonight was pretty sweet though. I went to Eclipse with a bunch of my friends and two guys from work. The two guys from work loved it and one said he was going to come back next week and even bring a date! I danced up a freaking storm. I felt a little goofy at times but for the most part I just shut out the world and let the music take over.
The night would have went a lot better if it hasn't been for two bad things that happened. One of them I'm not sure I want to say just yet and the other is my car got a flat tire. On the way to the club I noticed my tire was really low. Turns out there is a bad leak. Not bad enough I was going to get stranded but fast enough to deflate the tired in about six to eight hours. Got it home and went to put the spare on and my jack is missing. I borrowed Andrew's and everything was cool. I'll call work tomorrow and tell them I can't come because I have to go get my tired fixed.
Btw, my mom is fine. I found out she is at no risk for anything fatal as of now. We do have to keep an eye on it to make sure that it doesn't. She has been having problems with her joints and fingers but the doctors have her on some medicine to treat that aspect of the disease.
current mood:  worried
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Sunday, October 28th, 2007
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10:12 am - Week wrap up
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This has been a very interesting week. It started out with me feeling a bit under the weather and a bit like I was in a rut. I some how managed to pull out and finish the week feeling awesome!
Work has been iffy lately. They named the new DCI and I'm not too pleased with the results. At least I get to stay in geek squad till the end of the year. That is cool. Hopefully by then something will come up that will anchor my position.
My friend K asked me to help her write a comic book. That has been a blast! We got some great ideas between me, her, and Jon. I am really excited about this project. She also mention that we might be able to work on my little pet project I've been working on. That definitely helped me get out of the rut.
I went to Eclipse with a bunch of my friend to celebrate Sarah French and Aaron's birthdays. That was a blast! Got to see some old friends and made a few new ones! It was a great time. Aaron got so drunk! It felt good to be the one taking care of instead of being taken care of. I hope to have a repeat next Saturday.
current mood:  cheerful
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Thursday, October 18th, 2007
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12:57 pm - Kaleido Pain...
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I haven't been sleeping well. I plan to pull an all nighter to tonight to try to correct the problem. I work in the morning so it will be easy for me to do. Well, at least it'll be easier than if I had to close.
TF2. Been playing a lot of TF2. I'm doing really well as an engineer, a sniper, and as a pyro. I think I've put maybe 25 hours into the game since I got it. It's been a lot of fun.
I started watching Kaleido Star. I was finally able to get it. I ended up going through Voeh.com. I have to say it is a very annoying service. It took me a long time to get it working. That compounded with the issues I had with XP and duel booting. Also Kaleido Star is cool anime but all I could find was the English dubbed version. It even has the English TV motivational 80's intro full of morals and crap. I just try to ignore it. The dubbed also has really terrible voice acting. Oh well, I'll cope.
I just watched an episode dubbed in Portuguese and subbed in English... I'll never complain about the English version again.
( Episode 7 in Portuguese )
current mood:  pensive
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Friday, October 12th, 2007
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10:16 am - Gankutsuou
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I've been watching Gankutsuou tonight. It is a futuristic anime based on the Count of Monte-Cristo. It is very good.
I looked in the mirror tonight and I noticed something. I have aged. I have aged a lot. Even though the face in the mirror is mine I almost didn't recognize it. My face has changed a lot since I was 18. My skin is a lot more textured. I have more hair on my chin. There is a bit of gray in my side burns. Then it comes to me. I finally see it. The thing everyone has told me since I was a boy. I look just like my father. The face staring back at me in the mirror was the face of my father from when I was just old enough to remember it. Even the way I smile is the same.
I went out with friends from work tonight. We ate wings and drank beer and laughed at stories of rude customers getting what they deserved. As we sat laughing and drinking he proclaimed his intents. I looked at him and told him right out mine were the same. He had no idea. He challenged me to see who would reach the goal first. I accepted even though I knew the outcome. I have already lost to him once before and I don't think this time will be any different. I am no longer looking forward to this weekend.
current mood:  disappointed
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Thursday, October 11th, 2007
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4:04 am - Death note
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I just finished Death Note. I have to say the series as a whole was very good. It had some slow parts and even a few episodes that caused me to walk away from it for a few days. For now its off to bed.
( Cut for emo )
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Wednesday, October 10th, 2007
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8:57 am - Buy More
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So things at work aren't going to great but they might be on the up swing. Keith is leaving us and his position is being fought over by some of the Geek Squad full timers. If one of them gets it then I'm going to move into their spot. If not full time in media won't be so bad. I dropped off my form to move to Media as a full timer yesterday. Hopefully everything works out with it. I really want to be full time. I would be sad to see Geek Squad go bye bye but at least I'll be making $1600 a month. That would help me out a lot. Things have been tight working anywhere from 16 to 30 hours a week. Having a nice 32 to 40 hours a week would kick much ass.
Been watching that new show Chuck. I have to say it is something else. I really enjoy it. The character Chuck reminds me of myself a bit. I don't have a crazy government secrets computer stuck in my brain nor a hot CIA agent posing as my girl friend but I do see some other similarities. :)\
Also, I'm going to TSI with old friends and maybe some new ones. :)
current mood:  chipper
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Tuesday, September 25th, 2007
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4:38 am - Fucked up and fired
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I got this awesome job at this company named Peak 10. They run datacenters. I was going to be working for $12 an hour, 32 hours a week. I was going to get medical benefits and other nice things. I was going to get a regular schedule. I'd be able to have time to work out, hang out with my friends, go to school, have a normal life. I bragged to my friends and family about how awesome the job was. I told my coworkers I got this great offer, that I was leaving, and oh I was so happy about it. First day on the job comes and I over sleep. I get there really late. They fire me practically on the spot. Now I have to suck it up and explain to everyone that I'm not getting that awesome job anymore, that I fucked it up and got fired. I feel sick to my stomach and I'm on the verge of tears. I just want to crawl under a rock and die.
current mood:  gloomy
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Friday, September 7th, 2007
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11:18 pm - Beer makes it better
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Well, got back from Chris's birthday bash and I have to say I feel a lot better. Got to see a lot of friends, hang out, drink so beer. My mood seems to be much better. I think it was the thought of working 15 hours tomorrow that had me all bummed out.
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7:58 pm - Pain beams
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I went to visit my parents. That was fun. Talked about various things in my life. They gave me some supplies and some boiled peanuts. Dad also gave me some more of that diet medicine I've been taking. It seems to be working, at least I'm seeing the side effects. Hopefully I can lose some weight. I've been trying to watch what I eat but it's really hard. Bad food is cheap and good food is expensive. That and I eat out all the time because I don't know how to cook. We'll see.
I got home from eating with Rob to find my Matt Pritchard sitting in my living room. That was very nice. We hung out and talked till around 6 am. Got up this morning and didn't feel great. I was going to go get a hair cut but I just sat around doing laundry instead. Tried to play some Smash with Chris and Matt but that didn't end well. I got upset and left the room. I've been really emo today. I don't know why, but I've felt really depressed the last day or so. Hopefully that will pass too.
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Tuesday, September 4th, 2007
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4:14 am - Fat-pigs
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I've been reading some very interesting articles that have come by way by Mr Chas. I share them now with you.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/31049
http://www.paulgraham.com/articles.html
http://www.armadilloaerospace.com/n.x/Armadillo/Home
I'm thinking about picking up Python again. Two languages I really want to learn are Python and Portuguese. Mr Chas also peeked my interest in Lua, a language developed by Brazilians. I also need to play more guitar. Oh oh, and get laid. Need money. Chris mentioned his parents wanted some computer help. Not sure what they wanted help with but I gladly take donations for my services. ^.^
Pay parents - $295
Phone - $65
Electric - $??
Gym - $35
Food - $100
Game - $15
Expected next paycheck 8/7/07: $550
Wooo, tight but doable. Coming up I need to pay insurance, $65, and put money towards my credit card, $600.
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Wednesday, August 29th, 2007
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1:47 am - Melt some faces!
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You've no where to hide,
no where to run.
Your village will burn
like the heart of the sun!
I've been playing a Warlock in WoW and thanks to this video I think it has become my favorite class. The comic this video comes from is Looking for Group. The Warlock featured is Richard; Chief Warlock of the Brothers of Darkness, Lord of the Thirteen Hells, Master of the Bones, Emperor of the Black, Lord of the Undead, and mayor of a little village up the coast which he describes as "quite scenic in spring". After reading many of the comics I was inspired to roll a Warlock. This video just cements it.
current mood: cheerful
current music: Slaughter Your World
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Monday, August 27th, 2007
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11:14 pm - Missed Mail
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So I had a certified letter sent to me from someone. I don't know who and I couldn't receive it. Hopefully they will resend it because whatever it is it might have been important and I'm going to go bonkers until I see it.
I found out I'm not going to make rent this month. It really sucks. I got two weeks in a row of bad, low hour weeks so my paycheck was barely over $300. Rent is $310 and I had no other money saved up. I also have to pay my first month's car insurance and pay the fees for the title on my car. This sucks. I'm going to have to ask my parents for a loan.
I got an interview at a company called "Peek10". My friend Adam Walters works there and told me they had an opening and that I should go for it. I'm very glad for the opportunity to get an even better job. A job that'll have more reliable hours. I also here they have lots of room to move up. Geek Squad has been a lot of fun and an experience I will not soon forget... but I have to take care of myself and pay bills and it after being teased with a full time spot for so long I've got to just move on.
I went to Eclipse this last Saturday. That was a lot of fun! My old from Lonny was there. My friend Steve (Scorched), whom I haven't seen in quite a while, was also there. Judy, Justin, and the regular crew were there as well. I also meet this interesting new girl named Nicci, or "nicag" as my phone calls her.
current mood: worried
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Tuesday, August 14th, 2007
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10:16 am - Atlanta and illness
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I just got back from Atlanta not too long ago. I got to see my relatives in Valdosta as well as hang out with my friends Chas and Martha in Atlanta. The weekend was full of fun outings and leveling in WoW. Yes, I started playing WoW again. My roomies play it and I decided it would be fun to play with them and set up a PVP Arena team. Atlanta was a lot of fun though. Got to eat at a few new restaurants and see a new city. Me and Chas had many very engaging conversations that didn't involve video games. That was a nice change of pace. Not that I don't like talking about games but I lack someone to talk about hackery in Jacksonville.
I rolled into Jacksonville around 3am. Got settled and went to bed around 4am. I was supposed to get up and go to work around 10am but I ended up waking in the middle of the night feeling like I was on fire and freezing to death and about to puke. I called out sick and I haven't been able to sleep since then. Hopefully that'll change soon. Figured I'd take the opportunity to update my journal.
current mood:  sick
current music: Marilyn Manson - The Fight Song
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Tuesday, August 7th, 2007
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3:52 am - About Time
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Not much to post about lately. Still trying to get into a good diet and exercise routine. I've also been looking into purchasing a new car. I'm thinking about getting a Hyundai Tiburon SE. I might be able to snag one around $13k. I'm trying to get a $3k trade in for my Saturn and save up another $2k and make that a down payment. I'm pretty sure I can get an $8k loan for not so bad. I still need to check insurance for it though. That might be a deal killer.
I've been struggling with money as of late. I've been over spending. I'm not in trouble to the point I can't pay rent, it is just a bit uncomfortable and my finger tips are suffering. AWA is coming up and I want to make a costume for it but that is looking more grim by the day. Maybe I'll still get it done. I've at least requested off work that weekend.
I'm heading to Atlanta this weekend to visit Chas. We are going to work on computers and study to try to get some certifications. I heard they put Vista on the A+ test. That worries me a bit but I'm sure it'll be fine.
Not much emo to report. Just been a bit apathetic.
current mood:  nervous
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Wednesday, July 18th, 2007
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2:42 am - Stream of conciousness
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Days come and go. Work is sucking more and more each day. I'm getting better at the job, new people come and I train them. I move further up the ladder. I want to be full time but I also want to go to school. I've been having a lot of nightmares lately about the future. I'm been really anxious and having problems sleeping. I find myself worried and on the verge of a break down at time. I feel alone a lot. I think about Crissy from time to time still. I wonder if I'll ever have what we had ever again. I try to tell myself I will but I have a hard time believing it. I don't go out as much as I used to. I'm really busy and I'm not really sure where I'd met a new girl. I have bills to pay, money I owe, things I want to purchase. I'm still over weight and very worried about my health. I got to the gym today with Andrew. It felt really good to get back. It calmed me a little. We saw this really gorgeous girl there. I couldn't stop thinking about how pretty she was and how I had no chance of ever being with her or anyone that looked like that. Everyone is shallow to some degree, I know I am. I wouldn't date me if I was a chick. I feel hopeless at times, a lot more than I used to. I'm scared. I'm really scared. I don't want to be alone and stuck working for less than $15 an hour. I know that if I get sick I'll be in debit for the next ten years because I don't have health insurance. I'm scared to go to the beach because I don't want to lose my only pair of contacts I have until I get health coverage. My glasses are old and I can't drive with them. If I lose these I'm fucked. Fucked... man I miss sex. I haven't had it in so long I've almost forgotten what its like. Sex is cool and all but I'd much rather have a girl friend that loved me and was stable. School, I'm so afraid I'm going to flunk out and never get my degree. Its been the only consistent goal I've ever had. I'm scared I'm a born failure. I'm so undisciplined and I can't control myself. Is this so defect in my brain? I see myself doing shit and I can't stop it. I try. Why? I've been playing a lot of FFXI lately. Its been fun. Going to start a new D&D game with my room mates and a coworker. I'm excited about it. These games seem to help take my mind off all my troubles. Blah. /endrant
current mood: anxious
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Wednesday, June 27th, 2007
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1:58 pm - Blarg
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Tuesday, June 26th, 2007
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1:15 am
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I used to be really big into AMVs and stuff but not so much these days. Watching AMVs always makes me a bit nostalgic. I remember when I was 18 sitting in the hub at 3am watching the latests posts from animemusicvideos.com. Sitting there thinking about life and love and all the things we experience that put together our outlook. I wish I was 18 again sitting there on that cold winter night. Sometimes I go back and read journal posts from that time and think about how silly I was, how happiness was just a week or so around the corner. Then I think about the reality of now and I can't even remember what that happiness felt like, just some fuzzy memory of a time that seems like something I read in a history book. Life is so strange. It still bothers me so much that I hate that person when at one time my every thought was of them. I used to long to see their face and now I loathe even the memories I have of it. Bah, I'm being emo.
current mood:  sad
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